I was in church today where we read the whole Passion from Matthew. Then, rather than listen to a sermon - which the minister had written for the town fishwrap and distributed to us afterwards - she invited us to sit in silence and contemplate this very familiar story on our own.
Naturally, I composed a blog post.
The story is one of a guy who we presume to be God incarnate entering Jerusalem on a donkey. The scene in Gethsemane where he asks the cup to pass from him is poignant and real. But, he willingly accepts death in the service of humanity. And it's an awful, awful death.
That was the point of Gibson's torture-porn film, The Passion Of The Christ. Look, said Mel, at what Jesus endured so that you might be saved. So knock of with the vernacular Mass and the abortions.
But I read the story differently. I see Peter denying Christ three times, despite saying he would never do so. I see Jesus doubting his mission and the cost he must pay upon the cross. I see very human frailties. What I do not see is certainty. Not from Jesus, not from Peter, not from Pilate, not from Judas, not from the crowd, not from the centurion who stands beneath the cross.
There is, instead, overwhelming doubt.
But even with that doubt, there is an impulse to do what we can. After his denials, Peter finds new devotion. Some of the crowd at the cross repents. Jesus finally accepts degradation and death.
The religious people who go through their life without doubt are strangers to me. My journey in the church is entirely about doubt. I doubt the resurrection, which is one thing you're really not supposed to doubt. I doubt that much of the Gospels bear much resemblance to what really happened. I doubt all the time.
But I also recognize great wisdom and truth when I see it. I also need the re-centering that goes on in church. I need to be wrenched away from the problems in front of my face to the glory and grace of the world around me.
But I still doubt the hell out of it.
I don't think the Religious Right doubts their faith. I think they live with the certainty that what they believe is right and unassailable. And that means that their prejudices and opinions are unassailable, too.
That's what allows them to burn Qurans or shoot abortion doctors or embrace a party in the GOP that fundamentally ignores the idea of serving the poor as children of God.
My doubt makes me humble, their certainty makes them proud. And that pride in their certainty means that they can give some spare money to the people of Haiti or Japan, but blinds them to the need to take care of the poor in the next town.
This is why the idea of a religious left is somewhat absurd. My first pastor, who was further left than me, constantly referenced his own doubts. It seems almost axiomatic that liberals and liberal Christians are people who live within their doubts, whereas conservatives and religious Christians live within their certainty.
I am constantly intrigued by the historical evidence surrounding the Bible. It gives me more evidence to consider. It gives me context for my debate between doubt and certainty. I imagine it is profoundly unimportant to those with certainty.
That might be the common thread between the Religious Right and the Randians. Absolute belief in things that have no evidence to support those beliefs. And that's how people can support a plan that would demolish protections for the poor and call themselves Christians.
UPDATE: Interesting piece in Time about Rob Bell, a minister who seems comfortable with doubt, and how the conservative evangelical community ain't happy with him:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20110414/us_time/08599206508000
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