With God As My Witness I Will Never Fly Delta Again

A Delta approved postcard.

Yesterday we returned from Ireland.  The Most Excellent Wife and Field Hockey Coach and her team flew Aer Lingus.  I flew Delta.

That may have been the team's biggest win of the week.

Flying Delta is roughly the equivalent of having a midget boxer stand in front of you, treating your balls as a speed bag.  The blows keep coming without mercy.

We had a tight schedule to get back, get off the plane, drive home, pick up the car and get to the Cape to get to Nantucket to save my parents from Thing One and Thing Two.

So, naturally, Delta's flight was delayed about an hour and a half.

I realize that planes sometimes get delayed, in this case by weather in the US.  But the problem with airlines is that they are like Lily Tomlin in her old AT&T skit: "We're the phone company.  We don't care, we don't have to."

Naturally, I had thrown my back out that morning turning quickly with bags all over my shoulder and had only gotten about two hours of sleep while battling some sort of Irish super virus.

So waiting in an airline terminal for three hours was just a win-win.

I explained to the gate attendant that my back was in spasm, but she said there was nothing she could do, of course.

Once on the plane, with its too small seats, I tried to sleep.  Naturally, for the six and a half hour flight, the in-flight entertainment was screwed up.  The headset didn't work.  Nor - I should point out - did it work on the flight OVER to Ireland.  And they showed the same damn movies coming home from Ireland as they did heading over there.  Because what really makes the time fly is TWO showings of Water For Elephants and Jane Eyre with the sound off.

The food was like some sort of chemistry experiment.

Meanwhile,well ahead of me over the Atlantic, Aer Lingus had video monitors for each seat.  The food was edible.  And they left on time.

We've heard that older airlines struggle with legacy costs like pensions.  I don't care.  If I have a choice in the future, I am going to fly Southwest or Virgin America or some airline that gives a damn about making their passengers feel like they are more than cattle headed to the abattoir.

When I win the lottery, I'm going to buy an RV that has wings so I don't have to fly anywhere ever again ever.